To All the Elder Daughters, It’s Time To Stop the Suffering
Why don’t we talk about the Eldest Daughter Syndrome?
If you are the Eldest Sibling (especially if you are the daughter), you will know about the unique sort of pain and guilt I will talk about.
Parenting is the hardest job, hands down.
You have to manage your job, aging parents, and growing kids. Besides this, the baggage of your untreated childhood trauma hangs on a thin string.
In many families, the eldest sibling is handed the burden of parenting as well.
Eldest Daughter Syndrome is the burden felt by eldest daughters because of their unique position and experiences in the turbulent teen years. It isn’t the case with all families (feel lucky if you don’t identify with it!).
I thought I was the only one suffering through it until I stumbled upon relatable sayings.
- Parents be like that’s my emotional support, my eldest daughter.
- Parents be like that’s the third parent in the family, my eldest daughter.
- Parents be like that’s my parent, my eldest daughter.
- That moment when you are the eldest daughter, and you can relate to all of that.
I bet most of you haven’t heard of it, which is why I write this post.
The emotional burden may not sound as bad as starving or living paycheck-to-paycheck. Yet, the tender age at which it occurs — our chaotic teenage years — amplifies its impact.
It can disrupt your life and peace.
Here’s how ‘The Eldest Daughter Syndrome’ feels like
Being the eldest one, naturally, you feel accountable for everyone’s conditions.
From a young age, you carry the emotional baggage of all around. Hearing depressing stories about people you love continuously has a bad effect on one’s mental health, but you have to absorb their pain.
The worst part?
You get no release as the negativity accumulates in you.
As the Elder Sibling, you cannot accept that something is unfixed in the family. All of it feels your responsibility. You want to be at the forefront of handling tight situations, which may lead to boiling rage and angst.
Neglect is another aspect.
I have written about how neglect is a form of abuse. With the various stressful things going on in the parents’ lives, they often forget that the eldest needs love, attention, and care, too.
As the Eldest Sibling, a toxic habit that develops is not taking help.
You feel you should be independent. Relying on someone feels like a sin because you have never been allowed to do so. A little bit of codependency is healthy, though.
Another common trait is conflict aversion.
Hearing and handling all the fights and forms of aggression around, you really don’t wish for any more of that in your life. Even if the other person is blatantly wrong, you let go of it. You are tired of the drama.
Dear parents (and world),
We often take our support systems for granted when we should be grateful towards them.
Your eldest kid isn’t your punching bag.
She (or he) is not merely a helping hand to clean up your life. She is not your therapist to dump your emotions on. Remember that she is a child and deserves as much love and attention.
It angers me that this phenomenon is widespread but not talked about enough.
The world is turning away from misogyny, and with awareness, we can bring a desirable change. There’s always a scope for improvement. It’s time to be a fair and reasonable parent, but more than that, it’s the time to be a parent only when you have the resources to be one.
Eldest daughters, I hear you
I have gone through the unreasonable guilt. The pain and the shame. None of it makes sense, with the teenage years already bewildering enough. Let me tell you — it doesn’t have to make sense or be fair.
I made it through, as you can.
You are not alone. You deserve better.
The helplessness can drive you crazy. The unseen and undermined mental burden can get you. It has gotten me several times, and its effects took months to wane. The syndrome is not a small deal to be brushed off.
I know your ego gets challenged when you ask for help.
But with the right people — with your friends and family — it is a necessity. Healthy codependency is what friendship is for. We all need the right support systems to face the demons in our lives.
That’s how you get sustainable at handling problems.
You must know that it gets better. As you grow, you get a better stance on life around you and get tolerant of its harshness. You cannot remain stuck in emotional imbalances and bitterness.
So,
Break the cage and trap the light deliberately. The best rebellion is not starving yourself of food or pain.
It is knowing what hurts you, confronting it, and living a happy life.
Could you relate, or do you know someone who will? What do you think is the best way to cope?
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